Five Lessons in College Planning

Dear Parents,

As we walked to our car with our first-born in arms on an icy Minnesota morning in November 1996, nothing could have been further from my wife’s or my mind than college.  We were more interested in answering “now what?” than thinking forward eighteen years.  During those early days and years, fuzzy pajamas demanded more attention than a fuzzy, seemingly far-off future.  We quickly learned that there is no precise definition of parenting or parenthood.  Like all parents, we learned in real-time, mostly through trial and error.  Three more children and years later, my wife and I have learned much about parenting – and about ourselves – though we still have not discovered either an owner’s manual or a magic eight-ball that conjures all the right answers.

In fall 2015, we sent the first of our four children off to college, an odyssey that will not end until spring 2027.  We’ll have at least one child in college over that entire period, and two in college from fall 2018 to spring 2022.   That timeline, which I typically choose to describe casually, almost always draws a gasp.  What were we thinking?

I have spent nearly my entire career working in higher education, most of the last two decades as head of planning at two liberal arts colleges.  I study college enrollment and how students make their choice.  It’s fascinating work, though it can have a kind of antiseptic or distant quality.  However, as we went through college searches for our two oldest sons, I learned and experienced what I thought I already knew (but didn’t):  the act of choosing a college is anything but antiseptic.  It plums deep emotional depths, forcing an examination of both head and heart. 

My wife and I experienced all of the emotions common to parents, the same hopes, fears, and doubts.  We wrestled with questions about whether a particular school was the right choice for our children, whether they would find good friends and be happy, and how our busy, noisy home would change as each left.  We learned that divining rods pointing to obvious choices did not exist.  Most importantly, we learned that our role, ultimately, was not to make the choice for our children but rather to help them to make a wise choice of their own.  In an age of often intrusive parenting, it has not always been easy for me to let go and trust that the values and experiences our children have accumulated over their young lives will serve them well to make an independent and considered judgment about their future.  While our children are schooled to look to the future, we often find ourselves wrestling with past.  Move-in day for our children often feels like move-out day to us.

Now many years into this process, I’d offer five lessons I have learned along the way:

1. Before they begin their college search, encourage your son or daughter to think carefully about who they are and what drives them.  Do not begin thinking about how they might fit a college, but rather how a college might fit them.
2. Think broadly about college opportunities.  Your understanding of the college experience or what college should be may not be the same as your child’s.  The college path your daughter or son may choose, the one that provides them the best opportunity to reach their dreams and aspirations, may not be what you think. 
3. Develop a financial plan, preferably when your children are younger.  Stick to the plan as best you can.  At the same time, know your limits and describe those limits to your child before you get to the end of the search process.  Given the cost of college today, the “money talk” is more important than ever.
4. College is not a referendum on your parenting.  Your child may not go to or get in to the college she or he – or you – desires most.  An admission decision, positive or negative, is not a judgment about everything your child can be.  As parents, we need to see beyond their disappointment (or our own), console, and move on.  Remarkable experiences await.
5. Let go.  Your son or daughter needs to own their college experience.  We cannot live on campus with them nor can we live their lives for them.  But we can guide, encourage, and soothe at appropriate times to help them become independent, confident and mature adults.

Parenting children is hard work.  But we should enjoy these years.  As all parents of college students realize, they pass much too quickly.  The guidance and love we provide along the way will make all the difference in the world.

All the best,

Jon McGee 

Jon McGee is the vice president for planning and public affairs at the College of Saint Benedict and St. John's University.